i'm still figuring out how to be a mom. a good mom that is.

i think i will always feel like i'm in training. and i'm pretty sure i will feel like that forever. that's just part of the deal of life. try. fail. learn. grow. repeat. i think it's a good deal. it keeps me on my knees. and there is no better place to be.

a few days ago, i had one of those "what kind of mom i want to be" epiphanies. during this time of year, i start to think about traditions and how i'm teaching my children and what i want them to remember about our family when they start their own. 

i was walking past our nativity and stopped to look at it. all of the figures had been arranged neatly in a circle with baby Jesus in the center. i smiled. i thought of the deep significance of the arrangement. i'm sure the little hands that placed it that way weren't contemplating teaching me a lesson that day. but i'm grateful i stopped and took time to recognize that i want the Savior at the center of my life.

a few years ago, my natural response to seeing a rearranged nativity would be to carefully put all the pieces back the way they were "supposed" to be. as i thought about it, i realized i want my children to touch our nativity. i want them to play with it. i want it to be something special in their lives, a tradition they treasure. not something off limits or just a display. i want them to hold baby Jesus in their hands and in their hearts.

i've been grabbing the camera every so often and taking pictures of the nativity just as it is. should be a fun new project for me this time of year… to see things as my children do and to have a good laugh as well.

one year.

it's amazing how much can happen in one year. at times, it seems like it passed by at lightning speed. other times, the clock must have been moving backwards.

i was just thinking today about this very same weekend one year ago. jeff spent that saturday doing this. at that time, little did i know those would be our only christmas decorations last year. not because i was lazy or anything, but because the very next day life changed a little. more like a lot.

it was a sunday afternoon and jeff had a meeting or two or maybe three. who knows? what i do know is he was about a half hour later coming home than i had expected. when he walked in the door, i dissolved into a bucket of hot tears. nothing could console my emotional breakdown. all because he was a little late. he was extremely puzzled. but i was even more so.

about an hour after i calmed down, my mind did a little calculating and bam! it hit me like a ton of bricks.

crazy? no. pregnant? maybe!

that night i couldn't sleep. as i listened to jeff peacefully breathing beside me, my body was anything but that. with my mind racing in every possible direction, i needed to know right then. right then, so i could plan for this thing that had so not been planned. all the while being overwhelmed with feelings of worry, anticipation, concern, even excitement all jumbled together in a confusing mess.

at 4am, i couldn't wait any longer. i stumbled out of bed in my pajamas and drove to the good old 24-hour wal-mart. i was in and out in less that 5 minutes. with test in hand, i sped home anxious to resolve the million-dollar question. just as jeff quietly wandered into the bathroom rubbing the sleep from his eyes, i got my answer. 

and here he is.

what an amazing. amazing. year.

bikes and diapers. strange combination, right? this weekend i learned a valuable lesson about both.

first, we finally have a successful bike-riding boy at our house! this was a big occasion. 3 years ago we gave him a bike for his birthday. when he opened the present, he was not amused. he did not want a bike. he didn't ask for a bike. but his parents somehow thought that he should have a bike because that's what kids his age do. not this kid. bikes were lame and he didn't even want to get on it. so there it sat in the garage for a year. i pulled it out again after time had passed thinking he'd want to give it a try. i talked about how cool bikes were and how fun it would be to ride down to the park.

still, not amused.

so back to the garage it went for another year. in my mind, i was sure that we'd get the most terrible parents award because he'd grow up to be a non-bike-riding-thirty-year-old and blame us for never teaching him to ride. i told jeff i had only one goal for this year…to get that kid on a bike.

it happened this weekend. not because of us. but because he wanted to.

this leads me to diapers.

so while dallin was outside practicing on his bike, the pantless two-year-old came out to watch the fun. no pants. no pants! i cannot get him to wear pants! and here i am watching him walk up and down the sidewalk in just a diaper. now, way back when i was a mother of just one (and thought i knew everything), i would cringe at the thought of my baby running around outside without pants. i mean, i might as well just be cousin eddy standing there in my bath robe. you know what i'm saying?

as i stood there watching one boy ride a bike and one boy wearing only diaper, i came to a realization…sometimes the best word in a mother's vocabulary is simply, whatever.

i've been bad.

i realized i have let almost a month go by without taking any pictures of my baby buddy. nothing. not a one. he's growing faster than a pile of dirty laundry and i've been missing the action.

what have i been doing? i'm not sure. but i know what i haven't been doing…grocery shopping! can i admit that i'm too scared to go with all 4? i have visions of myself chasing two kids around the aisles, wrangling one to keep him strapped in, then filling the rest of the cart with baby's car seat. by that time, i would only have enough room for diapers and milk (which is all we are really consuming anyway). after just thinking about all this, i get exhausted. so i call jeff and ask him to pick up diapers and milk on the way home and call it good.

he has been doing all of our costco shopping lately too. bless his tired heart. dallin asked me the other day, "why has dad been going to the store? is it because you're lazy, mom?"

hmmm…that's a tough question to answer. maybe. maybe not. 🙂

i do know that i'm no longer going to be lazy with my camera. we can live without popsicles, but we certainly can't live without pictures of this little man!

this was me. yesterday.
here's the scene.
dallin was at an art class.
ella was at a friend's house.
lincoln was taking a nap.
i had two choices…
1) fold laundry and mop the floor or
2) float outside in the pool, tunes playing in my ears, in complete solitude, for one whole hour!

you can see what i chose. forget the smudgy floor. i realized this opportunity may NEVER happen again.
good for the pregnant body and soul i tell you. (and yes that's my belly in black.)
june has been kind to me so far. let's keep it that way.

i get looks. lots of them.

but wait…before you think i am running around scantily clad or driving a pimped out ride, let me explain the real reason i am turning heads.

it's no secret that i have active, spirited, busy, inquisitive (and all those other nice adjectives used to describe at times unruly) children. notice i do say "at times" because there are moments when they really are angelic but 9.99 times out of 10 when i am out in public, it is nothing short of a chaotic circus. and somehow lately it's been kicked up a notch. perhaps it's because i'm obviously large with child and struggle a little more to keep it together.

and that's how i get the looks. you know the kind when your child is screaming uncontrollably, writhing in agony, throwing himself every which way in your arms while holding on firmly to a chunk of your hair (or maybe you don't. but you can imagine this happening to me today just for fun).

and you might also know the kind of looks you get when you are in a doctor's office and one child is rolling on the floor yelling and banging his head against it because he doesn't want to wear shoes while another is holding her crotch and shouting to the world that she has to go pee (or maybe you don't. but you can also imagine this happening to me today just for fun).

i could go on and on with the numerous incidents i've had in the last while where the looks have flowed freely in my direction. and even one time when a kind woman approached me and asked if my inconsolable son would like to see her daughter sitting quietly belted into the shopping cart because that might help him do the same. yeah, that worked like a charm. 😉

normally i find myself seeing every look and conjuring up what that person is thinking about me. usually i imagine something cruel and demeaning like "poor woman can't control her kids and here she is having another." immediately i want to crawl into a corner and suck my thumb. by the time i have made it out of the store i'm physically and emotionally beaten to a pulp.

today, however, marked a turning point for me. it was a fist-pumping moment. i knew the looks would come. i saw them. i acknowledged them with a smile. and instead of letting my mind get the best of me, i walked on and sang a little tune.

victorious!

photos by tara w.

summer is officially here in AZ. school has only been out for two days and i've already found myself singing bananarama's cruel summer! (which then makes me think of karate kid, hah)
so i'm making every attempt to make it through these next few months with a game plan. yesterday, i went to target and raided the dollar section for odds and ends entertainment. and this is what we did…

my sister-in-law also gave me a fabulous idea. for craft loving kids like mine, she suggested getting a bunch of kits from oriental trading to pull out when i feel the "what can we do now, mom?" vibe coming on. i think it's going to be a life saver. nay…i know it is.

p.s. i just bought cruel summer off of itunes. i still love that song anyway. 🙂
oh, and the bedroom makeover post is coming on monday!

2 of the best things in the world: moms & cupcakes.
yesterday, we got to indulge in both.

for months i have been wanting to visit sprinkles cupcakes
in scottsdale. this weekend was the perfect opportunity. a little sweet
and sophisticated treat to jazz up mother's day. yum. and for the
record–red velvet is the bomb. ('the bomb' …that's so '90s isn't it?
oh well.)

as for mothers, words aren't quite enough to say what i feel. but i do love this quote

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.
~Abraham Lincoln

motherhood
and prayer are deeply intertwined. so grateful i have been taught this
by both of my beautiful, faithful, and loving mothers. i love you.

rarely do i pull out the camera for a self-portrait. probably because i can't figure out how to smile normally when i'm the only one in the room! i usually end up looking constipated.
but i decided i needed to do this basically for 3 people. and if you'd like to hear why, by all means go ahead and read on.

1) baby boy #3 this belly shot is for you. because i am horribly lame at taking pictures of myself while pregnant, this may be your only one on record. sadly, i only have one picture with dallin in my womb. no pictures of ella (i did take one the hour before i went to the hospital but it was lost in the infamous hard drive crash of 07), and with lincoln, i think i only took a picture of my shadow.
so little buddy, know that i do love you. and don't hate me because i usually tuck away pregnancy memories back in the far corner of my mind (shots, clots, pain, panic attacks, c-sections and all).

2) fabulously funky sisters-in-law this is for you. because i love your style and thank you for rubbing it off on me every once in a blue moon. i was at the store last week and decided it was time to spice up my life–accessory wise that is. with dangly earrings and a big necklace in hand…just purchasing it made me feel like i was doing something wild. and wearing it even more so. you see, i am severly challenged in this department. always have been. anything more than just tiny earrings and my wedding ring is completely out of my comfort zone. and when i do try, i usually end up taking it off within 10 minutes. but today i wore it almost all day long. almost.

3) and lastly to myself, girl, this one is for you. to remember that when you feel antsy because you haven't had a haircut in 6 months, don't, i repeat don't play russian roulette and pick a place out of the phone book to get your haircut that same day. you will regret sitting in the chair watching 6 inches of hair fall to the ground and wonder what the heck is going on while your face is turning red and you have no idea what the girl is even saying to you because you are silently freaking out inside. (tell me i'm not the only one who has had an experience like this!)

and with that, i'll wrap this post up. because it pretty much is, in the words of simon cowell, indulgent nonsense. 🙂