i came across a picture i took a while ago.

i have no idea why i took it. maybe because it looked artistically interesting. or maybe because i thought it ironic that it was in the middle of the street in downtown beverly hills. but in any case it got me thinking.

it's no secret that i have been feeling a little down in the dumps about my body lately. i believe it is part of the human existence to struggle with frailties of the flesh. it can come in many forms whether it be disability, illness, disease, infertility, weight, eating disorders, pain, aging…you get the idea.

as i look at myself in the mirror as of late, i feel like my body is falling apart at a young age. i've had way too many trips to the hospital to deal with the pesky blood clot and yet another one last week to check up on the vile beast that refuses to leave me be. i feel pretty much like bill murray in groundhog day when i go through the same old same old. by now i have the explanation down pat as i recite my plight to doctors, nurses, ultrasound techs, and doomsdayers.
yes, i've had the clot for 7 years.
no, it still hasn't dissolved.
yes, i've been on meds for it.
no, i'm not dead yet.
yes, i'm a mystery.
and oh, that's really too bad that your aunt's cousin's brother-in-law's nephew died from a blood clot while playing tennis. (i really do care. but these stories just seem to come out of the woodworks, you know? 🙂 )

i think that hardest part of it all is feeling like your goals and dreams might be slipping through your fingers because your body is holding you back. as the clock ticks on for me, it seems like the hopes of running more marathons or just even around the block are farther away than ever. my shoes haven't hit the pavement in years. the runner's high i used to live for has all but disappeared.

then i remembered.

i remembered a visit i had with my doctor recently. he was going through the normal check up stuff. listening to my lungs then my heart when he stopped and asked, "are you a runner?"
my voice was sadly hesitant, "i used to be."
he replied assuredly, "well, from what i can hear, you have a runner's heart." 
it was almost as if the euphoria of finishing a race swept through me again. "really?" i thought. i had been told that a long time ago but so much has happened since then.

now as i look in the mirror and make sense of the present and the past me, i take more resolve. more courage to overcome my setbacks. more patience with who i am. and more desire to accomplish my dreams when the time is right. 

and even if my legs don't believe it.
my heart still does.

in fact, i'm more than happy to admit that i am truly nuts. and when there is a life growing inside me, multiply that by 5.

monday afternoon i was still attempting to work something exciting into our week. after all, ella was turning the big number 4 on tuesday. and i was still feeling a yearning to ditch town. somehow that yearning keep increasing by the minute. it didn't matter if it was only overnight. just somewhere with different scenery. anywhere without a cactus would suit me fine. 😉

luckily i have a man who doesn't squash my insane ideas even if he knows better. i actually think he may enjoy my craziness from time to time. that's just another reason why i sorta kinda like him.

so when i called him late that afternoon at work and said, "hey, our bags are still packed. i've got all the food we need in a cooler. wanna hit the road?" he replied with a laugh, "ok then, grab my flip flops, hat and pick me up after work!"

with that we jumped in the car one more time and headed toward the sunset.

nothing better than spending a leprachaun birthday at our happy place

an afternoon at the beach

this weekend we taught our kids a new word: flexible. not the one where you bend at the waist and easily touch your toes (because i can't really demonstrate that to them right now). but rather the meaning of being able to go with the flow even when your plans change at a moments notice.

we did have some adventurous plans this weekend. plans that included packed suitcases, everyone piled in the car, and a short jaunt out of town for spring break. but about 2 hours into that jaunt, plans changed and we had to make a decision: keep on going or turn around and go back home. it's hard to separate emotion from logic when you're in a place like that. but logic won out and reluctantly we decided to head home.

that's right about the time when flexible became part of their new vocabulary.

and surprisingly, they rolled with it. with the promise, of course, that we would make the weekend just as great as we possibly could…a trip to the dollar movies and some outdoor fun.

who would have thought that hanging out in the backyard would provide all the excitement they needed? but it did. perhaps my cuties are better at teaching flexibility than i am!

in my head of things that make me pee my pants.
you could say that one item on that list is finding out i'm expecting when i don't expect it. another might be watching nacho libre or pretty much anything that jack black does.
this morning i added one more thing to the list…
perusing through my favorite websites and unexpectedly finding my mug staring back at me in large proportion. kinda made me fall out of my chair a little bit. no, a lot bit.

i have another list going of people whom i adore and love. it's a pretty long list…but without a doubt tara whitney is there with stars and hearts by her name! i've gushed over her before and i'll probably gush forever. she's just one of those people that i'm so grateful to know. and learn from. and praise forever for the gift she gave me…to quote another favorite photographer of mine cheryl muhr who summed up my feelings perfectly…
i always knew what it FELT like to love my family…now i know what it LOOKS like.
love you, tara. thanks again.

i am here. i am here. i am here.
barely.

here's a summary of my past four months of hiding:

pregnant cherie = sick cherie
and that's about all i can remember.

life has a way of sending me adventures in the most unique ways.
sometimes i understand them. sometimes it takes a while for me to
understand them. and then there are those things that i need to
understand again and again and yet again.

my latest life lesson can best be quoted by uncle rico. (particularly for jeff's enjoyment)

only it wasn't napoleon's grandma this time.
rather yours truly.
yep. broke her coccyx.
and i can't help but laugh just saying it.
although at the time, it was a bit less funny.

here's how it happened.
lincoln started throwing up monday night and into tuesday morning. he had already decorated our floor once that morning when i saw him heaving again. so with my supermom cape on, i took off running with a towel in hand to save the day before the chunks hit the floor.
small problem: i was wearing my blood clot support hose. which apparently weren't providing the kind of support i needed.
slipped.
both feet took to the skies.
supermom came crashing down to the floor. no capes!
brave dallin managed to get me the phone while i'm on the floor shrieking and unable to move.
i called jeff and he swept in to save the day and transport me to the ER just like a good knight in shining armor should.
diagnois: baby fine, me broken tailbone
remedy: tylenol, a donut pillow, and a healthy dose of time.

and the story does get more exciting after that, but i'll save that for another day because right now my rump is demanding relief.

what i have learned for sure is this:
i love my knight in shining armor even more than the last time he saved my broken body.
i love my children for their humble prayers.
i love my life because it's good.

and one last thing

photo by tara w.

this is jeff on saturday morning hanging off the ledge of our roof. three guesses what he's doing?
hanging christmas lights, of course!
yes, i cajoled him into hanging them a bit early this year. he was finally home for a weekend so i nabbed him before he got away. and to boot, i asked him to hang lights on the second story.
he was met with more than a few strange glances from neighbors. #1 because he was doing it before thanksgiving. and #2 because he was putting his life in peril for some measly holiday twinkles.

a couple from our neighborhood was walking by and an audible gasp was heard as they looked up at him.
"are you nuts?" the guy exclaimed.
"i wouldn't be doing this but i love my wife!" was jeff's reply.
"yeah, but does she love you?" he chuckled and walked on.

what a man i've got! crazy? maybe. true devotion. you bet!