the heart has it

i came across a picture i took a while ago.

i have no idea why i took it. maybe because it looked artistically interesting. or maybe because i thought it ironic that it was in the middle of the street in downtown beverly hills. but in any case it got me thinking.

it's no secret that i have been feeling a little down in the dumps about my body lately. i believe it is part of the human existence to struggle with frailties of the flesh. it can come in many forms whether it be disability, illness, disease, infertility, weight, eating disorders, pain, aging…you get the idea.

as i look at myself in the mirror as of late, i feel like my body is falling apart at a young age. i've had way too many trips to the hospital to deal with the pesky blood clot and yet another one last week to check up on the vile beast that refuses to leave me be. i feel pretty much like bill murray in groundhog day when i go through the same old same old. by now i have the explanation down pat as i recite my plight to doctors, nurses, ultrasound techs, and doomsdayers.
yes, i've had the clot for 7 years.
no, it still hasn't dissolved.
yes, i've been on meds for it.
no, i'm not dead yet.
yes, i'm a mystery.
and oh, that's really too bad that your aunt's cousin's brother-in-law's nephew died from a blood clot while playing tennis. (i really do care. but these stories just seem to come out of the woodworks, you know? 🙂 )

i think that hardest part of it all is feeling like your goals and dreams might be slipping through your fingers because your body is holding you back. as the clock ticks on for me, it seems like the hopes of running more marathons or just even around the block are farther away than ever. my shoes haven't hit the pavement in years. the runner's high i used to live for has all but disappeared.

then i remembered.

i remembered a visit i had with my doctor recently. he was going through the normal check up stuff. listening to my lungs then my heart when he stopped and asked, "are you a runner?"
my voice was sadly hesitant, "i used to be."
he replied assuredly, "well, from what i can hear, you have a runner's heart." 
it was almost as if the euphoria of finishing a race swept through me again. "really?" i thought. i had been told that a long time ago but so much has happened since then.

now as i look in the mirror and make sense of the present and the past me, i take more resolve. more courage to overcome my setbacks. more patience with who i am. and more desire to accomplish my dreams when the time is right. 

and even if my legs don't believe it.
my heart still does.